Parents put in a lot of effort to give their children the best in life, and these are not always material things. But sometimes, these efforts don’t lead to anything good. Most of our problems stem from childhood and this fact is important for us to remember as adults.

We at Bright Side understand that raising children isn’t an easy job. But you don’t have to be an expert in child rearing to give unconditional love to your sons and daughters. We asked the opinion of internet users about what mistakes adults make when raising children. And this is what came out of it.

1. We tell children to ignore bullies.

The more you ignore bullies, the more difficult it becomes to stand up to them. Because every time you endure bullying, bullies see it as a sign of weakness and the bar gets raised. Children need to learn to say “no” and to stand up for themselves. Sometimes, they don’t want to do that because they don’t want to be bad or hurt someone else. Many children don’t want to make someone else feel bad. So the second lesson is that not everyone is supposed to be your friend and you don’t have to show kindness to people who want to hurt you.

2. We ask children to obey older people and to trust them.

Once, I found out my dad didn’t believe in evolution and global warming. When I asked him why, he replied, “Because you should never blindly believe any person, whether I say it or your teacher says it.” I appreciate him for always letting me have the opportunity to form my own opinions. I’m 26 now, and I’m still figuring out that some small facts I learned as a child are total nonsense.

Once during dinner when I was 7, I told my mom that the chicken wasn’t fresh, that I wouldn’t eat it, and that I didn’t want anyone else to eat it either. My mom told me to stop talking and show respect for adults. Everyone ate the chicken but me. And everyone got food poisoning but me.

3. We show that it’s embarrassing to lose.

I’m a high school teacher, and I’ve noticed that many kids don’t do anything because they’re afraid of making a mistake. But how else are you going to learn? It’s really sad to see a child who does poorly in school because of their fear. I always remind kids that mistakes are normal.

Some parents seem to teach their kids that you should argue until the end, and admitting that you were wrong is considered losing. But it’s totally fine to change how you feel about an issue. This doesn’t make a person weak.

4. We say that “no” is a bad word. It’s a strong word, but not a bad one.

My strategy on how to get rid of this problem is to practice out loud how to say “no” with a friend, to practice dealing with awkward silences, and to practice standing up to repeated pressure. You can even prepare for a presentation or an interview this way.

5. We teach children to rely exclusively on themselves.

I love my parents, but whenever my brothers and I got into a fight, they basically just said that they didn’t care. This really affected my ability to ask others for help.

6. We tell girls that boys behave aggressively because they’re in love with them.

My mom told me that when a boy in kindergarten bullied me, it was because he liked me. I couldn’t understand this. It’s good that my dad explained that what this boy did was wrong and that his behavior was not a sign of him liking me.

7. We impose our anxiety onto our kids.

In kindergarten, we were prohibited from playing soccer because it was “too dangerous.” We were going just to kick the ball and not to do anything too risky.

Every time I accidentally fell on the playground, my parents would prohibit me from playing there. They banned everything — the climbing wall, the swings, the balls. Then they finally banned running altogether. All I could do was look at how the other kids were playing. Even such innocent games like Pokémon cards and Bakugan were banned too. Luckily, these bans only lasted a few months, long enough for my overprotective mom to calm down.

8. We set a bad example.

The amount of parents I see on social media, who are just sharing everything that happens in their child’s life, is astounding. Maybe, this may not be a big deal to you, but the child may be really upset that all mom’s friends know about their personal business and that they give their opinions on it.

9. We demand perfection in any activity.

Perfectionism is at odds with a rapidly changing and evolving culture. Perfection is the enemy of good.

10. We ask children to suppress their emotions.

My parents ask me to control my emotions and act like a mature person. But when I am in a situation that causes a storm of negative feelings inside me, I can’t repress them. My parents’ opinion is that I am weak and immature. In reality, I have no coping mechanisms. It’s a pity that they can’t understand me.

My parents used to make fun of me when I started to cry. They even created a song and sang it every time I started crying. So 27 years later, I can’t cry at all, and I can’t tell others about my feelings when I experience stress. (By the way, my parents are really nice people, but I was their first child in the early 1990s, so they didn’t really know how to deal with a crying son).

11. We decide who our children should be friends with.

In the kindergarten my son attends, there’s a strict “you do not have to play if you don’t want to” policy. No one has to play with anyone they don’t want to play with. No one has a right to hug or touch a child, if the child is against it. No one has to share their toys or other school supplies if they don’t want to. This is a very modern approach to upbringing.

12. We set children up against one of their relatives.

My mom has spent years bad-mouthing my dad, while my dad has never spoken ill of my mom. My mother’s constant aggression and lies directed at my dad has caused me to stop enjoying her company. It baffles me that she doesn’t understand why we don’t appreciate her speaking poorly about someone we love. And she also wonders why my brothers and I are not “the best sons.”

Can you share with us what harmful affirmations you learned in childhood that you still haven’t managed to get rid of?